Atheist Forum

"A penny for your thoughts" is now "A C-note for your thoughts."

Anthropologist: The earliest human religions were centered on Cervidae.
Me: Deer God!
Anthropologist: Exactly.

Doctor to patient: "I've got bad news and worse news."
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "You've got 24 hours to live."
Patient: "OK, what's the worse news?"
Doctor: "I should have told you yesterday."

I bought a pen that can write under water...
it can also write other words and phrases.

"I have a parrot that says good morning", says one guy.
So, the other guy says, "I have a can that says "Beans" "

Alongside antimatter and dark matter, scientists have now discovered doesn't matter, which has absolutely no effect on anything in the universe.

My kid said Jim Morrison was overrated. . .
So I sent him to his room. Nobody slams the Doors in my house.

Me talking to myself from 20 years ago:

Current me: "Okay, so the US government is in a spat with the Catholic church"

Younger me: "Obviously, the church is overstepping and we're on the secular side of things."

Current me: "Well..."

Younger me: "Oh my non-existent god! We're not religious in the future, are we?"

Current me: "It depends on if you count Firefly. Okay, so the Iranian government put their support behind the Pope..."

Younger me: "?!"

Current me: "because he condemned the militarism of the villain from Home Alone 2."

Younger me: "You mean the Wet Bandits, Harry and Marv?"

Current me: "Nope, not them."

Younger me: "The business guy? He seems harmless."

Current me: "Oh, my sweet summer child, you have no idea. Please let me stay here for a while. It's bad out there. Like Days of Future Past bad. President Clark bad.

Younger me: "Okay, but only if you give me some tips."

Current me: "Fine, I'll probably get in trouble, but screw it. Invest in Google. And I don't mean just twenty bucks, dump everything in there. Find a way to get dual citizenship like your life depends on it. Stay away from eastern Europe and the Middle East. Never trust a businessman or tech guy."

Younger me: "How about science? There must be some pretty amazing scientific breakthroughs in the future, right?"

Current me: "Yeah, there's a little of that. Mapped the human genome, gene editing, brand new space telescope, and manned mission to the moon. But even science news can be pretty awful, too. We have killer drones and fake news indistinguishable from real news. And Cyberdyne Systems. Not quite Skynet, but not not Skynet."

Younger me: "Okay, here's a futon. Tell you what, I'll take you out to the mall tomorrow. And then we can rent a movie from Blockbuster."

Current me: *crying happy tears*

Younger me: "There's one with Rob Schneider and another one with Kevin Spacey. I'll let you pick"

Current me:

Younger me: "SIKE! Keanu Reeves or Ian McKellen."

Current me:

A mathematician walks into a bar. "Now look here, bartender, I want you to give me one pint of beer for my first round, half a pint for my second round, then a quarter, then an eighth - "
"Stop right there," says the bartender, as he puts two pints of beer on the bar. "That's your limit."

I can name two or three Motown acts…
…maybe four, tops

Genie:
There are three rules. No wishing for more wishes. No raising anyone from the dead. No wishing anyone to die.

Person:
I wish to make all envelopes moan when you lick them.

Genie:
Okay, there are four rules...